(A writer’s blog about depression and my journey out of it)
Kick a girl while she’s down why don’t you!
I am fairly proud to say I haven’t posted a Jill-in-the-box piece since October. That is a good thing because obviously this blog is about my journey with depression and I have written in it when I have been feeling really low. I have wanted to post in here quite a few times, but I don’t want to come across as completely negative, because even though I may feel really depressed and full of anxieties at times and want to vent it through my writing, I know other people don’t want to hear how depressed I am – I mean I don’t want to push someone else over the edge! So I have kept away from here and have kept those moments for a private diary, poetry or my therapist. So today I’m not here to whine and moan (too much lol) despite the title of the piece, instead I want to share a little moment of depression with you and how I got through it.
As a writer in this modern world of the fully loaded internet where everyone wants to be heard and needs to share their blogs, websites, articles and links to their books, it can be really hard if you already suffer with depression. I mean if you are already feeling low and vulnerable, full of wobbly emotions that can be tipped at any moment by the scales, where it seems you are balancing precariously on one side and the world is tipping the balance magnificently on the other side – it can be tough not to fall off and find yourself face down in the dirt scrabbling to get back up on to those scales again and find that thing, that little something that will nudge you to even out the odds a little bit. So when I approached a big writers’ group that I belong to, to offer me some support and share my kids’ blog because I was having a tough time getting it seen, I was surprised to get an ear full of defensive comments that were trying in there own way to be helpful but actually came across as being completely negative and it felt like they were all kicking me when I was already down.
I came away from there feeling more depressed than when I went in, like I had been kicked in the guts and had my heart ripped out. I thought to myself, hang on a minute, I was only asking for a little help, not a list of why I should just give up and try something else, anything else but writing which I am obviously not suited for! What? Hang on a minute! Am I reading this right? Are they actually telling me not to give up my day job! Well the joke’s on them because i don’t have a day job – I’m signed off with depression and anxieties at the moment and this sort of thing does not help me, not one little bit. When I am struggling to get myself into the frame of mind that says, I AM worth it, I DO have a voice and CAN do whatever I set my mind to.
Needless to say I spent a good few hours last night crying – I can’t help it, I know it’s not as bad as all that, but my poor emotionally bruised psyche at the moment has trouble processing anything that seems to be a negative towards me and I end up curled up in a little ball blubbering like a loony! Then I got a grip, I tried to focus on my therapy and see things for how they really are – the reality – not the negative, self-deluded constuction of reality that my mind is telling me how things are. Nobody is against me, they are all in the same boat, it isn’t me against them, we’re all in it together! They don’t know me, they don’t know what I have been through in my life or how hard I am working at trying to get myself back in the rat race. They don’t know how amazing my poetry, novels and childrens’ books are because they are all wrapped up in their own problems, their own race to get their writing noticed and find readers. So I took a few deep breaths, found some amazing flute music to meditate to and got myself back into a calm and centred frame of mind. Then cried a bit more this morning lol and then had a lovely conversation with the moderator of the group and now I’m feeling calmer again. So now I can say to myself – get up off the ground, brush yourself off and start again…