Jill-in-the-Box – Kick a girl while she’s down why don’t you!

Published December 8, 2013 by Laura Crean Author

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(A writer’s blog about depression and my journey out of it)

Kick a girl while she’s down why don’t you!

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I am fairly proud to say I haven’t posted a Jill-in-the-box piece since October.  That is a good thing because obviously this blog is about my journey with depression and I have written in it when I have been feeling really low.  I have wanted to post in here quite a few times, but I don’t want to come across as completely negative, because even though I may feel really depressed and full of anxieties at times and want to vent it through my writing, I know other people don’t want to hear how depressed I am – I mean I don’t want to push someone else over the edge!  So I have kept away from here and have kept those moments for a private diary, poetry or my therapist.  So today I’m not here to whine and moan (too much lol) despite the title of the piece, instead I want to share a little moment of depression with you and how I got through it.

As a writer in this modern world of the fully loaded internet where everyone wants to be heard and needs to share their blogs, websites, articles and links to their books, it can be really hard if you already suffer with depression.  I mean if you are already feeling low and vulnerable, full of wobbly emotions that can be tipped at any moment by the scales, where it seems you are balancing precariously on one side and the world is tipping the balance magnificently on the other side – it can be tough not to fall off and find yourself face down in the dirt scrabbling to get back up on to those scales again and find that thing, that little something that will nudge you to even out the odds a little bit.  So when I approached a big writers’ group that I belong to, to offer me some support and share my kids’ blog because I was having a tough time getting it seen, I was surprised to get an ear full of defensive comments that were trying in there own way to be helpful but actually came across as being completely negative and it felt like they were all kicking me when I was already down.

I came away from there feeling more depressed than when I went in, like I had been kicked in the guts and had my heart ripped out.  I thought to myself, hang on a minute, I was only asking for a little help, not a list of why I should just give up and try something else, anything else but writing which I am obviously not suited for!  What?  Hang on a minute!  Am I reading this right?  Are they actually telling me not to give up my day job!  Well the joke’s on them because i don’t have a day job – I’m signed off with depression and anxieties at the moment and this sort of thing does not help me, not one little bit.  When I am struggling to get myself into the frame of mind that says, I AM worth it, I DO have a voice and CAN do whatever I set my mind to.

Needless to say I spent a good few hours last night crying – I can’t help it, I know it’s not as bad as all that, but my poor emotionally bruised psyche at the moment has trouble processing anything that seems to be a negative towards me and I end up curled up in a little ball blubbering like a loony!  Then I got a grip, I tried to focus on my therapy and see things for how they really are – the reality – not the negative, self-deluded constuction of reality that my mind is telling me how things are.  Nobody is against me, they are all in the same boat, it isn’t me against them, we’re all in it together!  They don’t know me, they don’t know what I have been through in my life or how hard I am working at trying to get myself back in the rat race.  They don’t know how amazing my poetry, novels and childrens’ books are because they are all wrapped up in their own problems, their own race to get their writing noticed and find readers.  So I took a few deep breaths, found some amazing flute music to meditate to and got myself back into a calm and centred frame of mind.  Then cried a bit more this morning lol and then had a lovely conversation with the moderator of the group and now I’m feeling calmer again.  So now I can say to myself – get up off the ground, brush yourself off and start again…

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16 comments on “Jill-in-the-Box – Kick a girl while she’s down why don’t you!

  • You are beautiful, girl. I am especially impressed about how you handled the situation in your mind, using the tools you have been given, and did not let the self-depreciating and negative thoughts in your head win you over any longer than necessary. Never give up on your writing or yourself. Let the bad moments go, and move on like the hero you are!

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  • May the peace you search for… shine ever so brightly that even you, even me, can see… its already here. * bows*
    I feel so alone and empty when I see only me. But when I can see you… perhaps this is all I need to take just one more step… towards us. * heart*

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  • As a fellow depression sufferer, It’s not nice thinking your writing is all gloom and doom. Thats why i try and write about every aspect of my day to day life. The good, the bad and the ugly.

    I know its hard going through depression day after day after day. But i hope when people read my blog, they see its not all black clouds but there are rays of sunshine that make the battle worth fighting.

    I wish you much strength on your journey and i hope you continue to experience little rays of hope and light to help you keep fighting and sharing your journey with everyone xXx

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    • Thanks Minted – I know you suffer too and I follow your blog. I’m grateful you took the time to comment and I completely agree with you about not wanting my writing to be all doom and gloom. That is one of the reasons why I have tried to decompartmentalise my writings into different areas and why I have consciously tried not to write in the Jill-in-the-box blog too often, because this is a very personal blog and where I want to be able to vent about my depression and anxieties but at the same time I don’t want to come across as a depressing writer LOL. Having different areas like my poetry, children’s books, the Bookish Banter, flash fiction etc. It means that I can try and write about other things and then just write in here to help ME understand what I’m going through, share it with others who may also go through such things and show what I have learnt about that situation whilst also giving me something else to ‘write’ about. So the content AND the actual doing of the piece is important to me. I hope that makes sense. Thanks again for your positive comment ❤ xxx ❤

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  • other commentators gave you words of wisdom and moral support, that was what I intended to do so push those thoughts into your head and vanquish non positive thoughts. The world needs you and your writing, so just hang in there. A.G.

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  • Thank you so much AG for taking the time to read and comment. Part of my therapy has been to NOTICE the negative thoughts when they come in and to turn them around and that has been very hard for me in the past. I get overwhelmed with the emotions and feelings and find it hard to notice the thoughts that lead to them, but I am starting more and more to notice the thoughts or issues that lead to the emotions, OK sometimes a while after the fact but I am getting better at it – now all I have to do is focus on those positives like you say and banish the negatives. Most of the negatives are self-fulfilling prophecies that I tell myself that just aren’t true – so those are the things I have to focus on. And btw I haven’t done those questions yet – soz – get to them as soon as I can cos I appreciate you taking the time to do them.

    ❤ xXx ❤

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  • We can usually handle the rubbish that people throw at us when life is okay. When you’re depressed everything is magnified beyond belief, our souls are laid bare for people to shred. It hurts. Then it gets better, then it hurts until one day life gets better. Hopefully it stays that way or at least the good days outweigh the bad.

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  • Yes I agree about everything being magnified beyond belief – I find it really hard NOT to put everything out of proportion, over the last couple of years it seems like I just can’t handle anything in a ‘normal’ way. I feel like everything is too difficult to deal with and so I usually don’t deal with it at all and try and ignore it or I completely overreact and upset people with my outbursts and then of course there is the crying over every little thing. The trouble with depression is that you can be doing so well and think you are getting better and then something triggers off a negative cycle again – in my case I have ended up isolating myself and it becomes harder to break the cycle.

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  • Beautifully and poignantly written Laura.
    I can empathise with so much of what you write, particularly your comment this morning: “The trouble with depression is that you can be doing so well and think you are getting better and then something triggers off a negative cycle again – in my case I have ended up isolating myself and it becomes harder to break the cycle.”
    Keep heading towards the light!
    xx

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