Jill-in-the-box – The Angel on my Shoulder

Published October 26, 2013 by Laura Crean Author

 

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So I realised I started this particular blog and was too cowardly to carry it on.  It’s hard to admit in public that you have a mental health problem – people completely get the wrong idea and think you are going to murder them in their bed or something. But  I’m just  an ordinary lady (a loving Mum and daughter) who has ‘coped’ for so long and then couldn’t ‘cope’ any more and the feelings overwhelmed me and depression and anxiety set in.  Some days are better than others, the therapy was helping – well the second lot the NHS decided I could have.  Unfortunately you are only allowed so many sessions on the NHS and then it stops.  The first sessions I had were called Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or CBT for short.  They started out OK but I soon realised that I wasn’t progressing the way the therapist thought I should be.  She thought I should be cured and well – basically I wasn’t!  In fact in the end I felt like those particular sessions made me worse.  So then I had to do without for a while – can’t remember how many months.  I had some pills to help take the edge off of my anxiety but then I started having some ‘talking’ therapy and it soon became apparent to me that this was really helpful and I stopped taking the pills and relied instead on my therapy sessions to help me get through the weeks.  But now they too have come to an end and I am missing them and my therapist already.  She really helped me get from Friday to Friday.  She has suggested I keep another journal – this one about my battle with going out and fighting the agoraphobia, so you might see some entries to that effect soon, although I will probably keep most of that journal private to just lil ol me!  My writing does help me, but I have realised that I can only write the novels when I am feeling happy and normal which, frankly such moments are few and far between.  I hope any family and friends of mine don’t find these posts embarrassing or uncomfortable to read, but I feel like I just should not be afraid any more to say it how it is – I find life hard – really hard to deal with and if I didn’t have my family I think I wouldn’t be here – and I’m pretty sure there are a lot of people, women, especially who are having the same problems, the same feelings and thoughts and it is to those people I’m really speaking to with this particular blog.

I am leaving  Jill-in-the box  today with a poem inspired by one of my last therapy sessions.  It is called The Angel on my Shoulder.

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I dreamt I had two angels

one on each shoulder, left and right,

both whispering in either ear,

trying to influence my actions – with all their might!

And on my right the angel would speak gently

in truth and with respect,

and on my left the little devil

with his vile tongue he would inject

every hateful lie he could invent

into my burning ear

and he would deliver every foul-mouthed curse

with dark deceit and fear.

And the devil was so clever

he would twist his words in glee

so I would then believe him,

those lies he told to me.

And everything that angel dark

whispered with such hate

I began to take into my heart

and believed it was my fate.

I began to live in darkness,

repeating all his lies,

I was worthless, I was lazy,

I was someone to despise.

Who would want to know me –

when I was such a waste of space?

I soon became so lonely

and didn’t show my face.

But as I withdrew further

and he had thought that he had won

his whispering was silenced

by the other one.

She whispered even louder

about how powerful I was,

that I was funny, I was clever

and I was so beautiful because,

I was a loving Mother

whose children on me did so depend

and I was a worthy daughter

and could be a noble friend.

The angel on my shoulder

breathed in my heart new life

and as I became much bolder

the devil dropped his knife,

he had tried to plunge it deeper,

but my armour now was truth

and God had sent a little messenger

from heaven as my proof.

So I want to thank that little angel

and give a little cheer,

long may she sit upon my shoulder

and whisper in my ear.

© 2013 Laura Crean

 http://www.lulu.com/shop/laura-crean/vision-space-between-the-universes/paperback/product-21242382.html

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4 comments on “Jill-in-the-box – The Angel on my Shoulder

  • Hi there, I had a similar experience with the CBT… I reckon it doesn’t really help agoraphobia. As you say, it is a difficult thing to talk about but I remember my mother saying she was amazed how many people said they had it or knew someone who does. You never know what’s really going on in people’s lives. 🙂

    Like

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