One of the things I have discovered about depression, apart from the fact that it is totally random and actually quite irrational, is that it leads to random negative thoughts that can wake you up in the middle of the night and torment you into insomnia.
Here it is – just coming up to 2 O’clock in the morning and I’m wide awake sitting on my laptop because I was awoken by irrational random thoughts via a dream about my divorce. Quite a bizarre dream, I can’t remember it now, that’s why it is going in the Jill-in-the box blog and not the dream blog. Sufficed to say it was me, or rather my unconscious beating myself up about how useless I am or else I wouldn’t be going through a divorce and struggling to make ends meet, lonely, fat and a complete waste of space. That is basically what I was telling myself in my dream and it woke me up in quite a state and led me on an emotional battle with myself as I tried to rationally have a conversation with my stupid unconscious to tell it to stop being so irrationally negative. Now I am wide awake and trying to convince myself that I am none of those things and soon I will be a divorced (free) woman who does not have to live in that prison of self-deluded failure any more. I can be free to live the way I want to, be whatever I want – and it may take me a while to figure out exactly what that is but I will get there.
I think last week’s camping was good for me. Not only did it get me out in the fresh air amongst people (even if I didn’t interact with them – I wasn’t scared to be there – a massive victory in itself) but it helped my bodily rhythms. I slept soundly all week, rose with the sun and went down with it too, walked in the sunshine, enjoyed nature and bonded with the kids. I shall take a lesson from it that my life is mine for the molding – camping today – tomorrow? Well – who knows where it will lead…