This is a journal. A very personal journal that I am choosing to share with the world as it were because I have spent my whole life shut up in a box. This box is made up of many things – depression, anxieties, fear, guilt, self-loathing and loneliness…it is quite frankly a prison. I wish I could say to you that it is just a prison of my mind and emotions but unfortunately it has become much more than that. It has become a real- life, physical prison as I am at this point in my life struggling to leave my own house.
I am quite sure that a lot of people will read this and think I am just looking for attention, that I want people to feel sorry for me but actually that is the last thing I want. Even so I am already at this point so far into the point of hating myself and being trapped in negativity that I really couldn’t give a flying Fudge if people have those thoughts – you see, this is about setting myself a goal – and that goal is to share my journey! Plain and simple and I am hoping by airing myself out in the open like this that it will help me to understand my prison, find the key and get out of it!
I am hoping that I might take a few people along with me on my journey. Not those anally retentive types that just want to squash anyone for daring to open their mouths about depression and wanting to talk about it, and who feel that everyone should be a little socially acceptable robot and be able to ‘control’ themselves – I couldn’t care a less about those idiots. The people I expect to join me on my trip are people who know me but want to get to know me better and people who have similar feelings and feel they can relate to me and perhaps share experiences and offer encouragement and support (so that I can equally encourage and support them).
So, I am not going to go on too much longer right now. I am just going to say that
- Depression can be a really debilitating thing.
- When you are suffering from depression you can’t just ‘snap out of it!’
- You need to acknowledge it, seek medical help and get support from loved ones.
- Don’t expect it to go away overnight.
Yes I have sought help and I am currently getting it. I am trying to take it a day at a time. My family are being very supportive even when I am a complete lunatic and acting irrationally! I am learning to express myself more openly so that I can peel away at the layers of that damn box.
Lastly I want my children to know if they ever see this that they are EVERYTHING to me and my completely neurotic behaviour has nothing to do with them – they are the reason I get up every morning, put on clothes, wash myself, clean the house and look in the mirror and say “You are an amazing Mum and those girls are beautiful, bright and full of life – well done! At least you done something right in your life girl!” I love you girls more than anything in this world and this journal is for you as much as it is for me.
(image courtesy of ClipartOf.com)